escape

I've suddenly gotten this incredibly dense claustrophobic feeling coupled with the sharp sense of being lost amongst the millions in this city. And my fight or flight instinct has "flight" stamped on its front page. Emblazoned in red ink, glowing fiercely from its counterpart, I suddenly want to escape from Los Angeles.

I didn't run away to this city. I have been told by a few from home that it is the general consensus that it was escapism that brought me to LA. But, no, this move had "FIGHT" written all over it. Black and thick; FIGHT. And it has been such a fight. Never have I been so ravaged and left by the wayside. I'd heard the adage that LA can chew you up and spit you out, but I refused to be one of its victims.

And a victim I am not, but I do so very much desire some space, some semblance of pure rain-watered grass and wild flowers, maybe a prairie. Idillic it may be, but thats where I want to be.

Yet on the flip side of this ever two sided coin of my life, I wouldn't be happy with such simplicity. No, I want and desire a stage where I can play my songs. And not just to prairie dogs. I have a reason for living in the City of Angels, even when I feel like all the angels have abandoned me for somebody else, I still feel a draw to put my up dukes and fight. Even if I'm just fighting myself.

So, taking my cue from a Disney princess, I'm in search of the best of both worlds. How can I be a country girl in love with green grass and running room and still survive in a city of traffic lights and pot-holed concrete? 3 years and I'm still searching and not giving up. Until that ever-lovin' whistle blows or that fat lady sings, I'm still shadow-boxing, flailing my fists at whatever I think is there that needs hitting, hoping I make contact with whatever that feeling is that's trying to bring me down.

being sick

Oh how I love when I say one day that I'm going to be so proactive and be amazing and do amazing things and then BAM!! Out. Sick. For a week already.

Yes, that's right. For all my rallying up, I've not been able to do one thing on my list of amazing things to do. As a matter of fact, I had to go backward and cancel everything. I feel like now I have to re-rally, but wait, I can't, I'm still stuck in bed.

However, I am doing some interesting reading. I just got Donald Millers newest book - "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years". I'll give you at least one good reason to read it - the authors note:
"If you watched a movie about a guy who wanted a Volvo and worked for years to get it, you wouldn't cry at the end when he drove off the lot, testing the windshield wipers. You wouldn't tell your friends you saw a beautiful movie or go home and put a record on to think about the story you'd seen. The truth is, you wouldn't remember that movie a week later, except you'd feel robbed and want you money back. Nobody cries at the end of a move about a guy who wants a Volvo.
But we spend years actually living those stories, and expect our lives to feel meaningful. The truth is, if what we choose to do with our lives won't make a story meaningful, it won't make a life meaningful either. Here's what I mean by that..." and then into the book you are thrust. If you resonate with those two paragraphs like I do, you should read it. In the past, I've caught myself staring out my front room windows, just staring, and when I wonder what I'm thinking aimlessly about I usually realized I was lamenting over the lack of substance in my existence. So I changed it. And I'm still changing it. So this book is just another narrative to encourage my evolution into a world-changer.

Book 2 was a gift from my dear friend Ruthi. "Sufficient. A modern guide to sustainable living."
First of all, its a gorgeous book to look at. Secondly, of course its printed sustainably. Third, it really just a guys ramblings about his experiences growing his own food and living at his best. I love it.

And I watched a good movie too.

Food Inc. - highly recommended viewing. But it will make you mad, so get your dukes up and take notes of what to get all riled up about.

The more you get to know me, the more you see that I have a problem with the big food companies. I disagree with how they make their food. I disagree with how they treat people. I'm frustrated that they don't care that they create diseases. I disagree with how they control my elected officials in government just because they have money. And I hate that there is nothing much I can do about it outside of my own home.
Plus, you should read Michael Pollan's book "The Omnivore's Dilemma" because he is passionate about food and about health. Its educational but not preachy.

Being sick has been good for my mental well-being but I'm over it. I'd enjoy a little sunshine and some interaction with friends.

looking back

As per the usual New Year tradition, I've taken a look back on the past year and made some goals for the new year ahead. What I found is that I have had a very stunted year. For all my trying I've nothing much to show. I have a few things I could blame it on, random issues out of my control that might have something to do with it, but that would be the wrong way to view this past year. What I've allowed is nothing short of negligence.

No, this is not negative thinking or self-loathing, its the honest truth and I'm happy to admit to it. Why am I happy about this? Because, as much as it hurts, I can feel it pushing me to achieve my purpose. And the moment I forget what it felt like to realize the lack of accomplishments over the last year is the moment I lose that urgency I feel.

There have been some great things I've done - I planted my garden & became more active in the eco-community, I road-tripped thru Baja in my VW van, I rescued my amazing boxer Dani and I played some great music with some very talented people. However fun and memorable 2009 was, 2010 is the year that things explode, because I said so.

Carney

I've always been a local band kind of girl. Back in the Washington it was Static and Soul Food 76 and little band called Shale - I also happened to be dating Shale's drummer so of course I was a super-fan. I pushed my way to the front of tiny venues filled with grungy, sweaty people, stood at the edge of the stage and sang every word. I'm a swayer, not a rocker. I sway.

Arriving in L.A. threw all my local band love in a tizzy. I didn't know who to love or where to find them. Of course L.A. is just chock full of music, but I love a band that brings more to the table than just a song - I want emotion. I want honesty. I want mistakes and new tries and old tricks and something that is real. So, I began my search. One random night years ago at Hotel Cafe, a hub of amazing music, one young guy got on stage to play one song. Just one. He played that one song with so much honesty and integrity. His name was Reeve and he was amazing. And so it began.



Back when Carney was known as Reeve Carney and the Revolving Band I fell in love with their music - how the band (whoever was available to play that night) would improvise for minutes on end, Zane would wipe the neck of his guitar with a handkerchief like an old blues master, the delivery of the songs was honest and stirring, moments where you forgot where you were because you've been swept into the music. And I just went to their farewell to L.A. show and spent 2 hours watching them play to a sold out crowd at the El Rey and reminiscing of the days watching them outgrow the capacity of Molly Malone's. While their musical style has grown edgier the old soul is still there.

They closed their set with Testify, one of my favorites, and I still got excited when I heard the opening riff. And for the encore, just as always, Reeve played the same song he played all those years ago with that simple, beautiful, haunting melody.

This is a band that I will miss being my local hero's.

so... this is me

I realized, while looking back on what I've written so far, that this bit of a blog is less about observations and looking around and more about me - selfish I know, but, basically, I'm writing about what I know, and I know me. And any observations that I do make are painted with my perspective, so it would essentially be about me anyway. Therefore, a change in title was needed. I could think of nothing that could mask the nature of this blog, so I gave it the most blunt name possible so there is no question of what this bit of writing could possibly be about. So, I hope you don't mind getting to know me a bit, and when I do have some interesting observation or interview, you'll have enough knowledge about me to enjoy my take on things.

UPDATE!!!

I've decided that I pretty much am horrible at keeping up with anything, much less writing about my life. But, here are a few snippets and snapshots.

I like to bake

As much as I can be modern and current, I am at the same time nostalgic and old fashioned. On any given evening, I have on an apron, old blues and jazz are setting the mood and either a glass of wine or a cappuccino is on hand while clouds of flour rise from the counter.

I am a messy baker. I'm not sure how, but I always end up streaked with flour. I just hope that it makes you happy when you walk into this lovely picture of hominess that I am so drawn to creating and that we stop regular life for at least a little while to enjoy these moments of baking and listening to good music written well before my time.


I write music


My days are spent in front of a piano and computer screen writing songs for other people. On good mornings, I sit on the edge of my couch with a guitar and my notebook & pen writing the beginnings and middles of songs that later on in the day will be worked out and scrapped and re-worked in front of that piano. I love writing songs. I love the challenge of trying to put the pictures in my mind into words that fit into a melody that somehow is magically plucked from the air and put into my imagination. If I am painting a quaint picture of song writing, its not a lie. For me, it is a very picturesque life-calling that I am leading. However lovely it is, it is also lonely. Spending your time day-dreaming of love lost, love renewed, love found, betrayed and cold or honored and winning and then spotting just your own reflection in the computer screen in front of you as you record these heros into a mic is a shocking reminder to me that I don't like doing this alone after all.
I am a collaborator, a person that would rather spend time with you than without you, a songwriter that, though shy of showing my newest creation with all its flaws and issues, would rather you hear the flaws than you not hear them at all. I never wanted to be a solo act. In all of the dreaming of being a "singer when I grow up" I was always in a band. Unfortunately, the hand that I drew in life has always played the same - I have to plunge ahead alone and later people will come along. Not that I am in need of support, I have so much, - thank you thank you my dear friends for loving me - I just dream of the time when I get inspiration, write it and then give it to my many musically talented friends to work, scrap and re-work with me. I have a wish that I lived in a huge house with all my friends and we all worked in our respective fields of talent and also tended a huge garden and ate popcorn and watched old movies at night all together. In this house we have a huge old grand piano that faces a large open door to the fields beyond and thats where I write songs and you play your guitar and Nick plays his drums... Oh, if only.

More on the Garden
This summer we planted a garden and enjoyed many tasty treats from it.

Baby Tomatoes


Baby Cucumbers


Baby Zucchinis


A very tasty sandwich featuring herbs, cucumbers and baby lettuce from our garden





This fall we began the composting.


Somehow we waste a lot of food: the outside part of the onion, leftovers we never eat, toast that falls butter side down, those things. I have always felt bad about wasting food and now we have a solution to the problem. We are turning waste food into plant food into good food.

sometimes I make things: chocolate chip cookies

These are my favorite "I want cookies but I don't want to fuss" and "I'd really like them to not be über bad for me too" time tested, best ever chocolate chip cookie recipe (or white chocolate dried cranberry, or walnut butterscotch, or whatever else strikes your fancy. pictured are oatmeal rasin)

Ingredients:
1/2 cup butter (softened)
3/4 cup packed brown sugar
3/4 cup cane sugar

1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon baking soda
3 teaspoons pure vanilla extract

2 eggs

1 cup chocolate chips

2 cups whole wheat flour*
1/2 cup ground flax seed

Preheat oven to 350 degrees

Cream together butter and sugars until smooth.
Mix in salt, baking soda and vanilla extract.
Mix in eggs until well blended.
Mix in four and the flax until well incorporated.
Mix in the chocolate chips.
Drop by spoonfuls onto a cookie sheet.
Bake for 9-11 minutes, until edges are lightly browned and middle is set.

*alternate: 2 cups oatmeal + 1 1/2 cups flour

And really, these cookies are so easy that I've just tossed everything into a bowl and used a hand mixer to mix well and they turn out fabulously.