while walking

I have tried to be many things in my life, yet disciplined is not one of those things that I have achieved. I recalled recently a list I created when I was 18. It was supposed to be my morning routine. I worked as a music teacher as well as working a late shift at the Boys and Girls Club and felt that waking up "early" was important for personal time and well-being. What I had done to appeal to my senses was draw, yes illustrate, my alarm clock with a flashing "8:00 am". This was supposed to give me enough time to perform my complete list of disciplines before heading off in the early afternoon to guide little ones thru the design of music and then off again to supervise other little ones as they played with scissors and billiard sticks. Yet, I contain the talent known to many as Procrastination. This talent is in direct opposition to Discipline. I could not, for anything, get out of bed before 9am. Could not. Most often I'd be pushing it to 9:45, 10:00. This always left me rushing to get that list finished, or rather, rushing to leave everything as it was.

I'm a stacker. When I was in school, I would take all of my homework and projects and research papers and stack up all of the books in front of me so that I could stare at my huge pile of work to do and fall into depression just before trying to write my speech on Productive Perspectives for Mrs. Frisk's class. Not productive. I would do it on purpose thinking that it would jump-start me into a fury of amazingness, high grades and happy looks from my parents and teachers.

The stacking, the list of daily tasks, the white board up on my wall right now that's supposed to encourage me with check-marks when I've completed my day's duties... these all are supposed to grant me discipline... and always, these things intimidate me to inactivity. What I should have written for my speech was something titled "I Just Peed My Pants in Panic, a Biography."

I currently have an early morning routine that I would love to stick to. Basically, I get up, eat breakfast, chew my chewable vitamin, grab my iPod and go for a walk in the morning. The walk is multi-purposed: limber up before morning yoga (if you've ever tried to do yoga after sleeping all night, down-dog is the meanest most torturous form of waking up ever), get my vitamin D from the sun (because chewables can't provide all of natures goodness), say hello to the world of West Hollywood and think my thoughts. I cannot tell you how many issues I work out in my head while hearing Chris Martin croon in my ears. 

It was on such a morning walk that I realized my disability in discipline was all in my head, not in the list or written on the wall. I always say that we have been given the tools to achieve anything, yet I never applied any of the proper tools. Intimidation is a tool, useful when working for the mob. Intimidation obviously makes me pee my pants.

What I had previously considered as a tool of discipline was actually equivalent to Michael Scott carbo loading on an huge dish of Fettuccine Alfredo moments before starting a 5k Fun Run. The Office. Always good for life lessons. The obvious: apply the wrong technique, end up with the wrong result. The morning routine that I had just started applying for the more selfish reasons of enjoying the early morning sunshine and a few moments to myself with some good music was completely outside of any stack of stuff to do, any check-board or any pictorial lists that I could conjure up. The result is that thing that I had, for all these years, been unable to achieve - discipline. However, I call it by another name: "Get up early, eat some breakfast, chew my chewable vitamin, grab my iPod and go for a walk."

What it is is that we tend to give labels to things we want, things we struggle with, things we can't attain, goals, dreams, whatever. What we should be doing is just that... doing. Acting. Living. It is in simply doing what I know is right that I achieve greatness. It is in encouraging others to do what is right that they achieve greatness. It is in doing what is right that we will change the world.