escape

I've suddenly gotten this incredibly dense claustrophobic feeling coupled with the sharp sense of being lost amongst the millions in this city. And my fight or flight instinct has "flight" stamped on its front page. Emblazoned in red ink, glowing fiercely from its counterpart, I suddenly want to escape from Los Angeles.

I didn't run away to this city. I have been told by a few from home that it is the general consensus that it was escapism that brought me to LA. But, no, this move had "FIGHT" written all over it. Black and thick; FIGHT. And it has been such a fight. Never have I been so ravaged and left by the wayside. I'd heard the adage that LA can chew you up and spit you out, but I refused to be one of its victims.

And a victim I am not, but I do so very much desire some space, some semblance of pure rain-watered grass and wild flowers, maybe a prairie. Idillic it may be, but thats where I want to be.

Yet on the flip side of this ever two sided coin of my life, I wouldn't be happy with such simplicity. No, I want and desire a stage where I can play my songs. And not just to prairie dogs. I have a reason for living in the City of Angels, even when I feel like all the angels have abandoned me for somebody else, I still feel a draw to put my up dukes and fight. Even if I'm just fighting myself.

So, taking my cue from a Disney princess, I'm in search of the best of both worlds. How can I be a country girl in love with green grass and running room and still survive in a city of traffic lights and pot-holed concrete? 3 years and I'm still searching and not giving up. Until that ever-lovin' whistle blows or that fat lady sings, I'm still shadow-boxing, flailing my fists at whatever I think is there that needs hitting, hoping I make contact with whatever that feeling is that's trying to bring me down.

being sick

Oh how I love when I say one day that I'm going to be so proactive and be amazing and do amazing things and then BAM!! Out. Sick. For a week already.

Yes, that's right. For all my rallying up, I've not been able to do one thing on my list of amazing things to do. As a matter of fact, I had to go backward and cancel everything. I feel like now I have to re-rally, but wait, I can't, I'm still stuck in bed.

However, I am doing some interesting reading. I just got Donald Millers newest book - "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years". I'll give you at least one good reason to read it - the authors note:
"If you watched a movie about a guy who wanted a Volvo and worked for years to get it, you wouldn't cry at the end when he drove off the lot, testing the windshield wipers. You wouldn't tell your friends you saw a beautiful movie or go home and put a record on to think about the story you'd seen. The truth is, you wouldn't remember that movie a week later, except you'd feel robbed and want you money back. Nobody cries at the end of a move about a guy who wants a Volvo.
But we spend years actually living those stories, and expect our lives to feel meaningful. The truth is, if what we choose to do with our lives won't make a story meaningful, it won't make a life meaningful either. Here's what I mean by that..." and then into the book you are thrust. If you resonate with those two paragraphs like I do, you should read it. In the past, I've caught myself staring out my front room windows, just staring, and when I wonder what I'm thinking aimlessly about I usually realized I was lamenting over the lack of substance in my existence. So I changed it. And I'm still changing it. So this book is just another narrative to encourage my evolution into a world-changer.

Book 2 was a gift from my dear friend Ruthi. "Sufficient. A modern guide to sustainable living."
First of all, its a gorgeous book to look at. Secondly, of course its printed sustainably. Third, it really just a guys ramblings about his experiences growing his own food and living at his best. I love it.

And I watched a good movie too.

Food Inc. - highly recommended viewing. But it will make you mad, so get your dukes up and take notes of what to get all riled up about.

The more you get to know me, the more you see that I have a problem with the big food companies. I disagree with how they make their food. I disagree with how they treat people. I'm frustrated that they don't care that they create diseases. I disagree with how they control my elected officials in government just because they have money. And I hate that there is nothing much I can do about it outside of my own home.
Plus, you should read Michael Pollan's book "The Omnivore's Dilemma" because he is passionate about food and about health. Its educational but not preachy.

Being sick has been good for my mental well-being but I'm over it. I'd enjoy a little sunshine and some interaction with friends.

looking back

As per the usual New Year tradition, I've taken a look back on the past year and made some goals for the new year ahead. What I found is that I have had a very stunted year. For all my trying I've nothing much to show. I have a few things I could blame it on, random issues out of my control that might have something to do with it, but that would be the wrong way to view this past year. What I've allowed is nothing short of negligence.

No, this is not negative thinking or self-loathing, its the honest truth and I'm happy to admit to it. Why am I happy about this? Because, as much as it hurts, I can feel it pushing me to achieve my purpose. And the moment I forget what it felt like to realize the lack of accomplishments over the last year is the moment I lose that urgency I feel.

There have been some great things I've done - I planted my garden & became more active in the eco-community, I road-tripped thru Baja in my VW van, I rescued my amazing boxer Dani and I played some great music with some very talented people. However fun and memorable 2009 was, 2010 is the year that things explode, because I said so.